stick figure families, bragging, and my polite request for you to STFU.

Like many of my blogs, this one begins with a wee anecdote about a friend that I have.

I have a friend who hates stick figure families on the back of cars.  She hates them so much that she bought an extremely amazing anti-stick-figure-family sticker for her own car. 

I have wanted to ask her, hey, friend, what's your particular beef with stick figure families?  Honestly, I think figuring out exactly what it is that a person hates most about stick figure families is very telling.  So, Madeleine, if you're reading this and you ever emerge from studying the law, and if you ever have time to answer this query of mine,  do let me know.  Also, the rest of you (all nine of you that are reading this) can let me know, too.  We can discuss what it says about ourselves over wine sometime.

ANYWAY.  As i was driving to Mount Pearl today - which, as a side note, is one of my least favourite activities and paired with the horrible radio hosts that newfoundland cares to boasts, it was kind of my own personal nightmare (which maybe I deserved because it was such a beautiful day and I kept getting to leave the office and it was great...ANYWAYS) - as I was driving to Mount Pearl I saw one of these rage-inducing stick figure families and because the radio was GD awful I decided to spend some time thinking about those black-out-rage-inducing stick figure families, and I finally deduced out what it is that I personally hate so much about them.

And here is what it is: IT'S THAT YOU'RE EFFING BRAGGING ABOUT HOW GOOD AT LIFE YOU ARE.

As if people holding hands in broad day light wasn't enough, now there are these ridiculous stick figure families that exist to tell me all about how I have yet to achieve any of the life goals that are relevant enough for me to put on the back of of my ride.  Ohhh I get it, you and so-and-so fell in love at some point and EVERYTHING WORKED OUT.  Shut the fuck up!  

Oh, so he asked you to marry him did he?  Oh and then you both got good jobs?  And now you have this CRV?  That's really great.  Fascinating.

Oh, and wait, tell me more - you guys have two perfect kids?  And they play soccer?  Oh my god - did you just say that they're actually really good at soccer?  And also adorable - curly blond hair, blue eyes?  You lucky sonofabitch!  

And, obviously, you both have your shit together enough that, in addition to the successful relationship and the engagement ring and the CRV and the two perfect, blond children, you also save abandoned animals and you currently have a mama cat and her kitten at home - and of course, they're featured in your goddamn stick figure family.

Anyways - I just wanna say: NOBODY likes a bragger.  So shut the hell up.

Let's think about MY stick figure people.  First of all, I get it, your life is great.  Everything worked out for you.  You probably feel sorry for me that I don't have a stick figure family to brag about like you do.

Well, this is what mine WOULD look like, but nobody is making these really awesome stick figure people.  

As a starting point, there would be a stick of figure of me.  And I'd be singing some great song on a lavishly decorated stage.  In a really cute dress.  Ohhhh you usually just buy cute dresses for your kids do you, baby mama?  Well, I really hate to brag, and not that we should compare how cute one's children are to one's self, but I'm super glad I look good in my little stick figure dress.

Secondly, there would be another stick figure of me.  I'd be wearing some super high heels while I'm busy closing deals at the office.  Yes I would.  I hope you're envisioning me with the swag of Jessica but the outfit of Rachel from Suits because THAT'S what my second stick figure represents.

Thirdly, there would be another stick figure of me, and it's me at the bar and I'm flirting with a very charming/handsome/actually SCRATCH that gorgeous stick figure man.  We're actually doing shots and, also, I bought the round because I really am such a legit chick.  My gorgeous/charming new friend ought to be giving me a high five in this stick figure depiction because not only am I witty and interesting,  but I buy drinks!  Because most girls these days are always just trying to be doted on and getting drinks bought for them but then there's me, buying rounds of Jamieson.  Also, I'm having a generally really deadly time.  

Now, it's not that I'm actually envious of the lives that other people are leading, because the stick figure life described above (for which I simply cannot find the stick figures for!) is really and truly the life that I'm just so glad to be leading right now.  Those stick figure families really do look like bragging to me.  Something tells me, though, that if the life I bragged about was me in a wardrobe I love meeting people at the bar there just might be some eye-rolls in the car behind me.