to the left, to the left: confusing beauty with empowerment

Once upon a time girls dated boys and it didn't always work out and girls ended up sad sometimes.  Upon a query of how to figure out their bad mood/attitude/outlook on boys, somebody suggested “throw on some Beyonce – oh, and also, never listen to Rihanna, she just sits in tubs and wallows all day!”  And so girls everywhere laughed…and then went home and listened to Beyonce and sang along to “Irreplaceable” and were somehow so empowered.  Girls everywhere then listened to "Irreplaceable" for years every time anything ever went wrong in any relationship ever.  As if it was a panacea for all the evils men can do.

I think Beyonce is a really great musician - man that chick can legit wail!  Some girls REALLY love her though – Queen B, fighting for females since she was born apparently; writing songs about how replaceable her cheating boyfriend is and how lucky she is that the joker she went to prom with isn’t the homeboy she’s marrying now (as in "Best Thing I Never Had").

I thought I was empowered, motivated, invigorated by this apparent show of strong female character until it suddenly struck me - this is literally not strong or empowering at all.  Let's discuss.

First of all - B, why don't you care more that the person you lived with has apparently been hustling around town cheating on you?  That is such a violation of trust.  I feel quite sad just thinking of that.  But, apparently, you don't care.  You're actually fine with it.  You appear to have kept your little back book so close to your chest, so full of numbers of guys just dying to take you out, that it doesn't matter.  You will now date somebody else.  Trust be damned!  I don't begrudge you moving on, B, but, isn't this a little fast?  Do you reallllly think you should be dating already...?

really, really bored and
ridiculously, ridiculously
good looking.

I also notice in these videos, that you're scantily clad on more than just one occasion.  Also, dolling yourself up quite often.  How much time do you actually spend getting ready?  Like yes, you are clearly drop dead gorgeous in this video, but, indeed, seemingly trying to remind yourself that while you're a 10, he's probably only an 8 at best.  Beyonce, is it kind of fair to suggest that your empowerment here is predominantly based on the fact that you're probably, objectively speaking, the hottest woman on the planet?  Could your esteem actually be tied up in the fact that you are literally hot as rocks?  And that, because of how good you look, yes, there are actually a ton of guys for you to distract yourself with?  

And speaking of all those guys who you can now date instead, it would also appear that your sense of strength and empowerment actually derives from male companionship - whether you're tragically beautiful or not.  Provided someone else loves you, being cheated on or treated poorly is fine.  It's not that you, alone at home, are fine.  It's that you, with some generic man to have and to hold, aren't ever actually alone, and thus fine.

I appreciate there are certain parameters that need to be adhered to when crafting a work of pop music wonder.  The songs are approximately four minutes, the hook has to be catchy and with few words so people can catch on quickly when they're at the club, and the subject matter has to be both easily relatable and be at the height of whatever emotion is being perpetrated.  Those mechanics are fine with me.  I quite like popular music.  I usually scan the radio for "Wrecking Ball".  I'm not kidding.  I love that song!  

It shouldn't get confused though - Beyonce is not actually a case of a strong female character in these songs.  She's a highly beautiful, physically perfect woman with an intense desire to be loved over everything else.  Having a partner is what gives her value.  Being beautiful is how she gets a partner.  It's simple.  But it's not empowering.  They're great songs.  But they're not empowering.  

Also - don't even get me started on how reckless it is to rebound.  Dammit Beyonce, you're literally the worst role model EVER.

27, i've been waiting for you: the things i've learned leading up to you.

this just in: my 27th birthday is almost here!  i think many people would approach this corner with hesitation, trying to stop the day coming.  it's one day closer to one year closer to 30!  only 3 years til 30!  i plan to feel that way when i turn 28.  but, insofar as 27 is concerned, i have been waiting for this day to come.

for various reasons, i have loved the idea of being 27.  this number "27" just seems like it's a good number, with mainly good vibrations and positive associations, including (i) my birthday is on the 27th day (ii) my parents were married on the 27th day, and (iii) the square root of 27 is 3, and everyone knows 3 is a good number.

you probably think i'm reaching on that last one and so be it.  i love 27 and i don't care who knows it.  in any case, i've got this feeling about 27 and i think it's gonna be bumper year.

the thing about being able to approach a year this way is the benefit of looking back.  hindsight is 20/20, after all.  so, in exercising my own hindsight from the last 26 years, a list:

10. time:

working a lot, sleeping little, being busy - none of these make you a better, happier, more interesting, more enviable, more likeable person.  the man who made time made lots of it - try and make the most of it.

9. honesty:

come clean with people from the get-go.  these interactions we're having with each other - these aren't jokes, they're not scripted and on some sitcom or television drama.  when you neglect to be honest you're robbing the person you're interacting with of the choice of whether you're worth interacting with.  whatever the short-term gain is, abusing someone's trust and their ability to exercise discretion is not tight and gets you kicked to the curb.  some people might not be strong enough to respond to a lie in a strong manner at first - they become strong enough at some point, though.  

8. forgiveness:

i have had some really substantial falling-outs with people.  some of it has been over trite nonsense and some of it was probably in good conscious.  in any case, i spun my wheels and became obsessed with all of these broken relationships, talking shit about people endlessly.  it's exhausting and unhelpful.

Paulo Coelho is my favourite author.  he summarizes his journey to learning about forgiveness in this exchange with his teacher:

"You haven't managed to erase the scars of some injustices committed against you during your life.  But what good does that do you?  None at all.  It does absolutely nothing.  It just leaves you with a constant desire to feel sorry for yourself for being the victim of those who were stronger.  Or else makes you want to dress up like an avenger ready to inflict more wounds on those who hurt you.  Don't you think you're wasting your time with all that?"

"I certainly think it's human."

"It's certainly human.  But it's neither intelligent nor reasonable.  Respect your time on this earth." (By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, see "About the Author".)

practice forgiveness all the time, especially when it's difficult.  it doesn't mean ever interacting with a person who hurt you again, but it does mean your own peace.

7. people aren't the same:

sometimes people seem like photocopies of other people you've met at some point, and so, when you get to talking, you can decide really quickly that they're a very good person or that they're bound to screw you over.  they might very well be a super stellar individual or, in the shittier alternative, they might, for good reason, get your fight-or-flight-syndrome kicking into higher gear.  however, the thing that remains is that the reason they are good or shitty is not because of some other person you know, with similar characteristics, who was good or shitty.    

6. pretentiousness:

i was an extremely pretentious teenager, especially when it came to music.  i was on a rap-free/country-free diet.  i exclusively listened to music that was "significant", "meaningful", "deep", "complicated".  i can absolutely be quoted as saying that i thought future generations would laugh at what would be written about our generation in music history text books.  at some point i got over that...probably right around the same time i realized there just isn't anything 'wrong' with hip hop music.  in fact, i am listening to g eazy as i write these words.  in fact, i think hip hop is presently my favourite thing to throw on.  and, in further fact, Shad has not only been the tightest show i've seen in years but has optimism, intellect and creativity - lyrically and musically - that makes the bands i believed were so vastly superior seem...well, quite average.  there isn't a prima facie (hah!) case of great music, but dismissing a genre before getting on in there is prima facie pretentious.  and that shit is annoying as hell.  i didn't sound educated, i sounded like a pretentious bittie - and nobody likes that.  apply twice a day to all subjective opinions.

5. being hungover during the week is ok:

i really don't remember any of the days at school when i was hungover, but i do remember having a killer time the nights before.  i bet you when i am old and grey and sitting back and looking back, i'll be like "MAN, that wednesday night i learned to play the whaps was such a good time" and i will not remember the hangover i suffered through the next day.  unless your reason for saying no is really good, have a glass of wine with your friends when they want to even if it is during the work week.

4. exercise and nutrition are actually important.  

i am a fiend for sugary this and sugary that.  i once spent so much money on candy at the bulk barn that i still haven't admitted to anyone how much i dropped.  i also love binge eating bulk candy while i watch netflix.  and when i do this i can't sleep as well, i fret about work, i miss my friends, i turn my mind to douchebag exes.  get out for some fitness - endorphins seem to take care of these problems and productivity is out of control afterwards.  only winning, no losing.

3. eating on the couch.  

don't do it!!  sitting on the couch and watching tv while you eat is a recipe for eating shit that's not good for you long past the moment you're hungry.  eat at the effing table like an effing adult.

2. i like shoes, i like clothes.  

i used to get really furious with myself because i wanted material items.  i'd beat myself up and get all down on myself because some people have just the clothes on their backs and blah blah blah.  this is true.  i can't make having lots of clothes and lots of shoes into anything meaningful.  but i like them.  and i'm going to have them.  i just have to accept my flaws on this one and move forward into 27 with a bomb wardrobe.

1. things really do look better in the morning:

my mother has always said this, but because i am a creature of rash, big emotions i never really meaningfully understood it.  however, in an age of drunk texting, i can't believe it took me so long to wrap my mind around: this is the reason why we wake up on saturday morning and look at the phone and groan, like...why emily why.  when it's dark out (and with OR without wine, people), a shit situation can look double shit.  you want to talk that out?  yell it out?  duke it out?  wait til tomorrow - if you still want to when tomorrow comes, wait til the next day.  what i've found is that the rash conversations you want to have when it's dark and you're reeling from some douche move by some douche person, in the morning you might just find yourself thinking that the juice is simply not worth the squeeze.  at this point, see item 8 and practice some forgiveness.  then, put on a great outfit as per item 2 and go out into the world.  

the skeets of tomorrow

in one month's time i will be getting called to the bar and i will be a real lawyer!  no longer a baby lawyer (aka an articling student), but more of a lawyer on training wheels.  for my last trick as a baby lawyer, i had to spend two weeks at legal aid.  coming from a full service corporate law firm where i do 75% corporate work...it was very different.

i was really eager to do my legal aid rotation.  when i applied to law school i had every intention of working in the area of human rights generally,  and, at the time, refugee law specifically.  so, the opportunity to spend some time with legal aid, providing access to justice, seemed like the exact cup of tea i wanted.  i was over the moon!

like all things, though, dipping your toe in cold water comes at a cost.  the cost for me came on tuesday, january 14th, and in the form of youth justice court.

i was told while i was shadowing some lawyers that the only way to make it through life as a legal aid lawyer without becoming full-on depressed is to learn to laugh at what's going on around you.  a rape joke here, a joke about murder there...you know how it is.  one part dark, two parts mandatory for survival.

while i was at youth justice court i was shocked at how young and sweet faced some of the accused were.  you know that snow-white hair that children have?  before they grow up and their hair changes to sandy or dirty blond?  i saw a child with snow-white hair and a baby face who was alleged to have committed assault with a weapon.  i mean, i get it, the definition of weapon is broad, and they don't read out the particulars of these charges at first appearances so it could have been a swimming pool noodle for all i know (somehow i doubt it)...but still.  that chubby-cheeked cherub wasn't meant to be at court.  now i can't forget his face.

anyway, i was becoming depressed.  and i suddenly found myself thinking - youth justice court is the summer camp of tomorrow's skeets.  it made me smile for a minute and chuckle to myself.  i even tweeted that shit!  i really thought it was objectively funny.  but, funny or not, finding myself making that joke was a dark experience.

these kids are so young - they are assaulting people and committing identity theft and fraud when they are children.  the worst part, though, isn't that they do the shit that they do.  as we all know, kids get up to badness all the time.  it's part of being a kid! and you could see it in some of them that things had spiralled and it shouldn't have happened.  they were the ones who were worried about midterms conflicting with their next court date; the ones whose dads had gone with them to their court date.  that's normal - or at least edging on normal.

the ones whose faces i don't think i can forget weren't like that.  between their vacant expressions, their potty mouths before court was in session, and the beats they had blasting outside their courtroom, there was an understanding of the system; an understanding of "breaches"; an understanding of court etiquette and how you address the judge.  the kids i can't forget are the ones who were on first name bases with the officers who arrested them and had been to court before to testify for their friends.  the ones i can't forget include the boy who had just turned 16 and carried himself like the best 26-year-old skeets i know, itching to get out to smoke his draw before recess ended and court was back in session.  being at court, with a lawyer, in front of a judge - these things have become normal to them.

but, i kept thinking to myself, this isn't normal.  maybe it's not true that they're the skeets of tomorrow.  but in my heart i know it is.  these kids will be in the system from now until forever.  that is the uncomfortable feeling that i know to be true.

i've argued endlessly that most crime is systemic; that crime is perpetuated in that it is committed by those who will commit it again and again because they were born into a family that was committing crime and so generations of [Surname] commit crimes.

and, you know, people have argued back, with the best example being prostitution, of course.  and i've said "well, if we legalize prostitution now and re-humanize those who have been de-humanized, we can teach them to teach their children better.  we can protect them, and encourage them to protect their children better".  and the retorts went, "but, emily, have you seen how much money a prostitute can make?"

i haven't.

but here, in this sad case of youth justice court, i don't see how you can retort back to me.  a brief survey of the courtroom quickly draws attention to the regulars and to those who came there quite by accident - the former vastly overcoming the latter in numbers.  these children who commit assault, where is their financial gain?  well, in my opinion, it's not a gain.  it's just the reality they've come to understand.  it's the reality that they accept.  their reality.

be it that they are from families of crime or lost somewhere in the system foster care, these kids find sitting in that court room - hats off, speaking to "your honour" - to be as normal as i find taking an 11am coffee break.  this systemic problem might be the root of my callous joke, but callous or not - i sadly can't say that i'm wrong.

social pressure to be cold? well i never...

i was a barista once.  what a phenomenal time in my life.  things are carefree behind that countertop.  the whole place is just full of an ambiance of relaxed good vibrations encouraged by the cheerful music that is always playing.  people are generally happy in cafes as the eminent moment of having a caffeine fix approaches.  it's glorious.  glorious, i say.

what's more, there is literally SO little that a barista has to do.  you seriously have one job.  make coffee.  make it reasonably well, but still - just make it.  make a lattee, make a cappucino, pour up a cup of joe from a vat of coffee that is already prepared.  whatever it is, the bottom line is: fill cup with caffeine, give caffeine to consumer for monies.  one job!  

one time the city of st. john's turned off the water up on kenmount road when i was working at starbucks.  we tried in vain to make enough coffee to last the scheduled time but alas, we didn't make enough.  some missus came in looking for her fix and, i'm not sure if she was having a bad day or if she actually had a serious caffeine problem, but she literally lost her mind when we had to tell her, in overly perky, sing-song voices, that there was no coffee.  at the time i was all blah blah blah what a bitch!  but in retrospect, i sort of get it.  we had one job to do, and we dropped the ball. she doesn't care about the water!  extraneous circumstances be damned, she needs some caffeine goddammit!  we had one job and we dropped the ball.  ONE JOB.  i'm sorry, mystery caffeine bitch, i'm sorry.

this weekend, as many who bother reading this know, was the Blackout Blizzard 2014.  we were in the dark for ages!  most of the island didn't have power and it was cold and it was dark and it was scary.  do you know how weird it is being in a city that has no lights on at night time?  it is actually completely terrifying.  it seems just like the apocalypse, especially because people start to panic, all lining up at the gas station down the street and some people even STOLE OTHER PEOPLE'S GENERATORS.  some people's humanity literally vanished in sheer moments of not being able to actually watch the walking dead on netflix, so they went out into the world and acted like they were characters on the show.  for anyone who has ever gotten me on the topic of the walking dead or any other post-apocalyptic themed book or movie, you'll know i am actually obsessed with what people will do when threatened with the end of the world.  for me, the blackout blizzard 2014 was a strange combination of (a) being super hyped up because our GENERATOR WAS STOLEN and it served as a real-life example of said lack of humanity and (b) being generally terrified while driving in the dark and (c) just being really cold until we figured out how to turn on the propane fireplace.

but i digress.  this blog isn't about the blackout and the vitiation of humanity, as exemplified by the THEFT OF OUR GENERATOR, but rather is about the cold leading UP to the Blackout Blizzard 2014.  in actuality, i sort of loved the blackout.  i hung out with my best friend and her bf and we got drunk off expensive wine that we stole from his dad (another example of theft...but i tend to think more understandable) and played a million games of asshole and listened to VOCM for an embarrassingly long time...#vocmforever #voiceofthecommonman #askmeaboutwhenmylittlesistercalledopenline #weclappedfortimpower

the blackout was amazing.

no, this blog is about the events leading up to the Blackout Blizzard 2014.  it's about how, when it became really cold out, the b'ys in charge of heat and light here in my fine province didn't know WTF to do.  it was too cold!  and everyone was turning up the heat!  so, because they didn't know what to do, they started with the rolling blackouts.  people were annoyed about that and i guess rightly so.  but with that said, i mean, what are ya gonna do.  everyone takes a turn.  i just left when my power went out.

no, my issue is this: in addition to these jesus rolling blackouts, i was told to conserve my power as if the fact that the b'ys don't know how to deal with it being cold out during winter was my fault.  i was told to turn off my christmas lights and avoid doing laundry and endeavour to not use a dishwasher and to just generally conserve energy.  um.  you guys.  i need clothes.  and i need a shower.  i'm sorry, i just need these things.  

what the hell!  don't peer pressure me into being cold!  i am co-dependent enough without someone telling me that it is at least partly my fault that these GD rolling blackouts are happening.  this is not my fault!  this is YOUR guys' fault!  you had ONE job to do!  ONE!  and now you want to socially shame and peer pressure me into sitting in my house with the heat on 12 when it is -15 outside?  i get it that i can wrap up in blankets and wear my very stylish white knit headband with a flower on the right side while i watch Nip/Tuck in bulk with only the glow from my laptop screen lighting the room, but this is not the point!  don't you dare put that kinda pressure on me.  

i want to reiterate, i'm not mad about the blackouts - neither the rolling nor the extended blackouts.  i'm not overly focussed on power outages at the expense of the obvious danger that i'm sure all the power crews who had to fix the issues were exposed to.  you need to take some time to fix it all up?  fine!  go ahead!  i'm not complaining about any of that!  but really.  guys.  you had one job.  i pay you monies, and you give me heat.  don't scold me when i use the very product that i buy from you.  peer pressure isn't welcome in elementary schools and it isn't welcome here.  #DarkNL indeed.