on my niece and how she has yet to learn about "feeling" fat
when i was 18 my eldest sister gave birth to my nephew, ethan. i was so excited! i can remember running through the halls of my high school telling anybody who would listen that i had a special little someone on the way. what a perfect, beautiful child he was, too. 5 weeks premature but he was a fighter and he's grown to be a big, strong boy with golden locks and a desire to know things. he likes to be given the opportunity to come out of his shell as opposed to being pushed and expected to socialize. he is eight years old, developing his own personality and figuring it all out. i sometimes worry the style of teaching/learning at his school will hold him back because he is such an active child. basically, though, i think ethan is going to be just fine.
when i was 24 i rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night with a family friend because my sister was in labour with her second child - olivia. olivia is now (nearly) two and she is a sweetheart. she has short hair on the top, long her on the bottom - a perfectly precious baby mullet. she has a funny walk which is actually quite funny! she does jokes (including, but not limited to, her funny walk) and likes to learn things (she knew all three things Cinderella's evil step-sisters did to her after only ONE time watching the movie!). she's brave and fearless and funny with a big personality and a big memory and a big heart. unfortunately, unlike her brother, i look at my perfect little niece with all her natural strength and intellect and creativity (...seriously, the funny walk is a gem of a joke) and i feel sad because i look at the society around me and i know it's just waiting for strong little girls like her to enter its fold and be crushed.
i know i can be dramatic (i was trained to be a singer, c'mon, of COURSE i am drama), but this time i believe i am being completely down to earth. i look at my brilliant niece and her brilliant brother and i cannot stop myself thinking - wow, he will just have it SO much easier than she will.
olivia will, despite the fact that she is a perfectly formed human, inevitably learn at some point about this word "fat". and, as per some other woman who thought of it before me, she will learn to understand the apparent 'feeling' or sensation of 'being fat'.
it is unlikely she will hear it from my sister who is a strong, artistic woman who speaks to my niece and nephew in full sentences and prefers to compliment their intellect instead of their beautiful eyes or other aesthetic appeal. she won't hear it from my sisters, because they will be busy complimenting their musical inclinations or flare for academics. actually, the list of people from whom they will not hear that 'fat' or 'beautiful' is a feeling is probably quite impressive. for that, i take my hat off to my parents - to people who raised me to think i was smart and capable and who raised my siblings to believe the same.
unfortunately, it does not matter. the small group of wonderfully wonderful strong people you have around you - people who are dedicated to business, to writing, to the arts, to bettering themselves and society, to contributing, to volunteering, to learning, but not to vanity, to thinness for the sake of thinness, to beauty for the sake of beauty - just does not matter. we perceive those people as false, as loving us despite our flaws. because society and magazines and thin girls with nail polish on perfect nails attached to long, skinny hands, attached to long skinny, arms attached to long, skinny bodies will scream that the traits that really matter are the ones that you see.
we may be told that if we just cut our hair or pluck our eyebrows we will look younger/older/prettier/better. we may be told that we better be careful because we need to fit the dress of the soprano/actress that came before us - so that even if we have cultivated something beyond looks, it simply does not matter, because it matters that we are as skinny, or skinnier, than our predecessor. we may be told that we look better with bangs/blond hair/layers. we may be told that if we just curl our hair it would look better. wear more lipstick, that's the little oomph you need. try this mascara, that's probably what's lacking in your life. buy this eye cream/face cream, you're just not taking care of what god gave you.
i have heard this series of things. we all have. most of the people that read this are women - you know you've heard these things. i have had no trouble dealing with these things. i am a huge proponent of the eye crem endemic. anything to stop the signs of ageing i'm experience at 26.
but despite the fact that i am willing to buck up and accept that i need to be eternally youthful and find a way to be beautiful and be thin despite my body's natural inclination to be ready to bear children and all that; despite my acceptance that if push came to shove i WOULD fit into the dress of the soprano that came before me, i will roll over in my grave before my perfectly perfect niece is made to feel this way.
i was watching tv the other night and i knew, without a doubt, it was not just a possibility, but an inevitability that my darling olivia is going to feel this way. at the time, the flooding in alberta was at an all-time scary high with properties are damaged beyond repair and fears that the cultural landmark, the stampede, might not be able to go ahead. the news had to take a brief commercial break and, in the midst of all this rea-life-actual-sadness going on, i had to focus my attention on:
1. hair products;
2. waxing products; and
3. work out products.
as i was watching, i thought to myself - what in the flying fuck does my niece have going up against her? it's one thing entirely for me to worry about the pith and substance of commercials 1, 2 and 3 , but to think my little olivia has to turn her mind to being thin or blond or shaven enough?
i believe it all resolves back to this sentiment of 'fat as a feeling'. being 'not blond enough' and 'not perfectly shaven' are 'feelings' - and allegedly important ones at that! and my niece - a child who is so perfect, who the whole world right now would probably agree is actually perfect - will eventually grow to say to herself "i am not perfect, because i do not "feel' thin" - whatever the hell that means.
i am not trying to say girls have it entirely rougher than boys - i think the set of struggles is different. but coming from experience, i realized tonight that all those struggles that i have been grinning and bearing are just not fine for my olivia to have to deal with. the 'feeling' of fat, not blond enough, not shaven enough - well, these are just not "feelings". how is she going to learn this at the same time as having an awareness of what's happening in society? if i can't get through a borderline meaningful news broadcast about a devastating natural disaster happening, how will she and her little girlfriends escape it on the regular?
so let me take a moment to talk to my olivia: sweetheart, i've seen you since you were hours old and let me tell you - you are as perfect and flawless as they come. you are alive, first and foremost. do you know how special THAT is? do you know how unlikely it was that YOU would ever exist? it was basically impossible that YOU would ever exist, and yet here you are - breathing, talking, laughing, doing your funny walk.
and olivia, that funny walk of yours, well that funny walk is funny. i am not kidding you, kid. i am not just saying this because i love you all to bits and pieces and go all fuzzy inside when i hear you call us to say goodnight after your bath. i am saying this because your funny walk actually makes me laugh. and the reason you have a funny walk in the first place is because you are a funny little child. you are a child with a personality that is bigger than how pretty or blond or shaven you are - and trust me, it always will be.
your capacity to be bright and sunny and intelligent is not lessened by how physically lovely you may be - and never let that get mixed up in your mind. never let yourself forget that whether you are lovely or some girl beside you is lovely or some girl across the way is lovely, loveliness simply does not matter in any profound way. what matters in a profound way is that funny walk of yours.
you have the potential to be great and, as a person who personally has always been more talk than action, i implore you - go on out there and be great. at the end of the day, that 'feeling' of being fat/not blond enough/not shaven enough - that feeling is a lie. and you, my sweetest, you just weren't made to be the next generation of girls trying tirelessly to fit into the dress of the soprano that came before you. do your funny walk and do it with pride. i saw you when you came out, and you've been too perfect this whole time to ever worry about 'feeling' fat.
and if you ever do, don't worry - you're not alone. but remind yourself - "fat" is not a 'feeling'. "fat" is a bunch of molecules clumped together and it can't stop you doing your funny walk. as long as you've got that funny walk you are your own girl - perfectly shaped, with ten fingers and ten toes, smart, capable and loved. and who the hell has time for this extra 'feeling' of "fat" when you've got to spend so much time feeling clever, gifted and extraordinary? i don't mind telling you the answer to that one so you don't need to waste the time learning for yourself: no one, that's who.
when i was 24 i rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night with a family friend because my sister was in labour with her second child - olivia. olivia is now (nearly) two and she is a sweetheart. she has short hair on the top, long her on the bottom - a perfectly precious baby mullet. she has a funny walk which is actually quite funny! she does jokes (including, but not limited to, her funny walk) and likes to learn things (she knew all three things Cinderella's evil step-sisters did to her after only ONE time watching the movie!). she's brave and fearless and funny with a big personality and a big memory and a big heart. unfortunately, unlike her brother, i look at my perfect little niece with all her natural strength and intellect and creativity (...seriously, the funny walk is a gem of a joke) and i feel sad because i look at the society around me and i know it's just waiting for strong little girls like her to enter its fold and be crushed.
i know i can be dramatic (i was trained to be a singer, c'mon, of COURSE i am drama), but this time i believe i am being completely down to earth. i look at my brilliant niece and her brilliant brother and i cannot stop myself thinking - wow, he will just have it SO much easier than she will.
olivia will, despite the fact that she is a perfectly formed human, inevitably learn at some point about this word "fat". and, as per some other woman who thought of it before me, she will learn to understand the apparent 'feeling' or sensation of 'being fat'.
it is unlikely she will hear it from my sister who is a strong, artistic woman who speaks to my niece and nephew in full sentences and prefers to compliment their intellect instead of their beautiful eyes or other aesthetic appeal. she won't hear it from my sisters, because they will be busy complimenting their musical inclinations or flare for academics. actually, the list of people from whom they will not hear that 'fat' or 'beautiful' is a feeling is probably quite impressive. for that, i take my hat off to my parents - to people who raised me to think i was smart and capable and who raised my siblings to believe the same.
unfortunately, it does not matter. the small group of wonderfully wonderful strong people you have around you - people who are dedicated to business, to writing, to the arts, to bettering themselves and society, to contributing, to volunteering, to learning, but not to vanity, to thinness for the sake of thinness, to beauty for the sake of beauty - just does not matter. we perceive those people as false, as loving us despite our flaws. because society and magazines and thin girls with nail polish on perfect nails attached to long, skinny hands, attached to long skinny, arms attached to long, skinny bodies will scream that the traits that really matter are the ones that you see.
we may be told that if we just cut our hair or pluck our eyebrows we will look younger/older/prettier/better. we may be told that we better be careful because we need to fit the dress of the soprano/actress that came before us - so that even if we have cultivated something beyond looks, it simply does not matter, because it matters that we are as skinny, or skinnier, than our predecessor. we may be told that we look better with bangs/blond hair/layers. we may be told that if we just curl our hair it would look better. wear more lipstick, that's the little oomph you need. try this mascara, that's probably what's lacking in your life. buy this eye cream/face cream, you're just not taking care of what god gave you.
i have heard this series of things. we all have. most of the people that read this are women - you know you've heard these things. i have had no trouble dealing with these things. i am a huge proponent of the eye crem endemic. anything to stop the signs of ageing i'm experience at 26.
but despite the fact that i am willing to buck up and accept that i need to be eternally youthful and find a way to be beautiful and be thin despite my body's natural inclination to be ready to bear children and all that; despite my acceptance that if push came to shove i WOULD fit into the dress of the soprano that came before me, i will roll over in my grave before my perfectly perfect niece is made to feel this way.
i was watching tv the other night and i knew, without a doubt, it was not just a possibility, but an inevitability that my darling olivia is going to feel this way. at the time, the flooding in alberta was at an all-time scary high with properties are damaged beyond repair and fears that the cultural landmark, the stampede, might not be able to go ahead. the news had to take a brief commercial break and, in the midst of all this rea-life-actual-sadness going on, i had to focus my attention on:
1. hair products;
2. waxing products; and
3. work out products.
as i was watching, i thought to myself - what in the flying fuck does my niece have going up against her? it's one thing entirely for me to worry about the pith and substance of commercials 1, 2 and 3 , but to think my little olivia has to turn her mind to being thin or blond or shaven enough?
i believe it all resolves back to this sentiment of 'fat as a feeling'. being 'not blond enough' and 'not perfectly shaven' are 'feelings' - and allegedly important ones at that! and my niece - a child who is so perfect, who the whole world right now would probably agree is actually perfect - will eventually grow to say to herself "i am not perfect, because i do not "feel' thin" - whatever the hell that means.
i am not trying to say girls have it entirely rougher than boys - i think the set of struggles is different. but coming from experience, i realized tonight that all those struggles that i have been grinning and bearing are just not fine for my olivia to have to deal with. the 'feeling' of fat, not blond enough, not shaven enough - well, these are just not "feelings". how is she going to learn this at the same time as having an awareness of what's happening in society? if i can't get through a borderline meaningful news broadcast about a devastating natural disaster happening, how will she and her little girlfriends escape it on the regular?
so let me take a moment to talk to my olivia: sweetheart, i've seen you since you were hours old and let me tell you - you are as perfect and flawless as they come. you are alive, first and foremost. do you know how special THAT is? do you know how unlikely it was that YOU would ever exist? it was basically impossible that YOU would ever exist, and yet here you are - breathing, talking, laughing, doing your funny walk.
and olivia, that funny walk of yours, well that funny walk is funny. i am not kidding you, kid. i am not just saying this because i love you all to bits and pieces and go all fuzzy inside when i hear you call us to say goodnight after your bath. i am saying this because your funny walk actually makes me laugh. and the reason you have a funny walk in the first place is because you are a funny little child. you are a child with a personality that is bigger than how pretty or blond or shaven you are - and trust me, it always will be.
your capacity to be bright and sunny and intelligent is not lessened by how physically lovely you may be - and never let that get mixed up in your mind. never let yourself forget that whether you are lovely or some girl beside you is lovely or some girl across the way is lovely, loveliness simply does not matter in any profound way. what matters in a profound way is that funny walk of yours.
you have the potential to be great and, as a person who personally has always been more talk than action, i implore you - go on out there and be great. at the end of the day, that 'feeling' of being fat/not blond enough/not shaven enough - that feeling is a lie. and you, my sweetest, you just weren't made to be the next generation of girls trying tirelessly to fit into the dress of the soprano that came before you. do your funny walk and do it with pride. i saw you when you came out, and you've been too perfect this whole time to ever worry about 'feeling' fat.
and if you ever do, don't worry - you're not alone. but remind yourself - "fat" is not a 'feeling'. "fat" is a bunch of molecules clumped together and it can't stop you doing your funny walk. as long as you've got that funny walk you are your own girl - perfectly shaped, with ten fingers and ten toes, smart, capable and loved. and who the hell has time for this extra 'feeling' of "fat" when you've got to spend so much time feeling clever, gifted and extraordinary? i don't mind telling you the answer to that one so you don't need to waste the time learning for yourself: no one, that's who.
posted by emily at 8:55 PM
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