on having reasons
i threw a bit of a party at my place on the weekend. i decided that i really wanted to have the BEST PARTY EVER complete with party games and...loot bags. i was completely fixated on the loot bags (even though they never even happened in the end because when you invite EVERYONE in law school over to your house it's hard to say how many will come and how many loot bags you'll need and i didn't want any single person to not get a loot bag...so in typical emily all-or-not-at-all fashion i kiboshed the idea), so off i went to the bulk barn, aka heaven on earth, and proceeded to buy ALL the valentine's day candy they had to offer. why valentine's? no good reason except that hearts are precious. that's the whole reason.
and then i LITTERED my house with candy. i just put it everywhere. sadly...nobody really ate it and so NOW there is SO MUCH CANDY just everywhere in my house. it's overwhelming. i am addicted to sweets and am already excellent at procuring all sorts of processed sugary delights without them just being readily available every which way i turn. i don't need yet another reason to just sit there and eat cinnamon hearts.
the reason why i am writing this blog actually has to do with that word, reason. i would usually think that it's not a reason why i am devouring candy, but instead would call it an excuse. i have excuses for eating processed sugar when i know i shouldn't, and excuses for not practicing singing more often, and excuses for not going running lately. but as i was thinking about all these excuses for these things, i was plagued with this memory of music school and being told by a prof that she didn't want to hear any more of my excuses for not knowing my part better that day; no more excuses for why i was wearing stress on my face instead of my character (which was actually pretty rad because it was an enchantress - ummm sounds both magical AND sexy, non?). this person just did not want to hear any more of my excuses.
but what was so funny was that my "excuse" was that my sister was sick! in the hospital! and my mom was even coming all the way into the city from five hours away because we were so worried! and it was like panic panic panic zone. and this was my "excuse".
what i realized by thinking of this memory (that unfortunately left a terrible taste in my mouth for Dido and Aeneas and poorly kept curly hair) was that this word "excuse" is inherently just negative. it takes away all of a person's ability to be able to rationalize and prioritize. it makes a person's reasoning inherently incorrect, and wrong, and inconvenient to another person. had this prof asked me what my reason for not being prepared that day was, i might have been forthcoming, and she likely would have felt compassion for me, my sister, and we would have been at a bridge and would have crossed it to some peaceful other side. but by calling my reason an excuse, she immediately insulted me.
an excuse is an admission that you are unable to manage your time. you're not strong enough to refrain from eating chocolates. you're incapable of motivating yourself to go for a run. however, usually, the reality is much closer to an identifiable reason: "i didn't care about singing this song because i wanted to talk with my sister and there aren't enough hours in the day" or "i actually think chocolates are completely delicious and #YOLO" or "i need to write this horrible, entirely un-analytical piece-of-crap essay that's due ASAP and i would rather get it done than go for a run". by calling my excuses reasons, i immediately re-instill myself with autonomy and decision-making power and positivity and strength.
life is just a series of reasons. we reason ourselves into any given decision and that's that. we move forward. and when we make positive choices we are generally pleased to go ahead and call our motivations for the decision reasons. and it is positive and it is empowering and we feel oh so good about ourselves. however, whenever we make a decision that we don't actually feel good about because of this thing or the next thing, we lean heavily on excuses and we're sad and we're sorry. and the more we bend over backwards on that word, excuse, we just continue instilling pervasive negativity into our states of being.
i wonder now about that prof - if she saw more of her students' excuses as reasons how much better would each and every rehearsal, lesson, performance be? and, in turn, how much happier would she be? despite our impasse (in that moment annnnd unfortunately thereafter...), she really did teach me a lot. just not in regards to anything she endeavoured to teach me about.
the reason why i am writing this blog actually has to do with that word, reason. i would usually think that it's not a reason why i am devouring candy, but instead would call it an excuse. i have excuses for eating processed sugar when i know i shouldn't, and excuses for not practicing singing more often, and excuses for not going running lately. but as i was thinking about all these excuses for these things, i was plagued with this memory of music school and being told by a prof that she didn't want to hear any more of my excuses for not knowing my part better that day; no more excuses for why i was wearing stress on my face instead of my character (which was actually pretty rad because it was an enchantress - ummm sounds both magical AND sexy, non?). this person just did not want to hear any more of my excuses.
but what was so funny was that my "excuse" was that my sister was sick! in the hospital! and my mom was even coming all the way into the city from five hours away because we were so worried! and it was like panic panic panic zone. and this was my "excuse".
what i realized by thinking of this memory (that unfortunately left a terrible taste in my mouth for Dido and Aeneas and poorly kept curly hair) was that this word "excuse" is inherently just negative. it takes away all of a person's ability to be able to rationalize and prioritize. it makes a person's reasoning inherently incorrect, and wrong, and inconvenient to another person. had this prof asked me what my reason for not being prepared that day was, i might have been forthcoming, and she likely would have felt compassion for me, my sister, and we would have been at a bridge and would have crossed it to some peaceful other side. but by calling my reason an excuse, she immediately insulted me.
an excuse is an admission that you are unable to manage your time. you're not strong enough to refrain from eating chocolates. you're incapable of motivating yourself to go for a run. however, usually, the reality is much closer to an identifiable reason: "i didn't care about singing this song because i wanted to talk with my sister and there aren't enough hours in the day" or "i actually think chocolates are completely delicious and #YOLO" or "i need to write this horrible, entirely un-analytical piece-of-crap essay that's due ASAP and i would rather get it done than go for a run". by calling my excuses reasons, i immediately re-instill myself with autonomy and decision-making power and positivity and strength.
life is just a series of reasons. we reason ourselves into any given decision and that's that. we move forward. and when we make positive choices we are generally pleased to go ahead and call our motivations for the decision reasons. and it is positive and it is empowering and we feel oh so good about ourselves. however, whenever we make a decision that we don't actually feel good about because of this thing or the next thing, we lean heavily on excuses and we're sad and we're sorry. and the more we bend over backwards on that word, excuse, we just continue instilling pervasive negativity into our states of being.
i wonder now about that prof - if she saw more of her students' excuses as reasons how much better would each and every rehearsal, lesson, performance be? and, in turn, how much happier would she be? despite our impasse (in that moment annnnd unfortunately thereafter...), she really did teach me a lot. just not in regards to anything she endeavoured to teach me about.
posted by emily at 7:33 PM
1 Comments:
Emily, I am so glad I added your blog to my Google Reader when you started it because it has been SUCH a pleasure to see these new posts pop up!
You are so good with words. So good! And I especially love this post because I remember being told something similar a time or two (or ten) and one particular time that just about completely took the wind entirely out of my singing sails forever.
You're so right. And it has helped me in the years since university to realize that the people who made me feel so little there have lots about life left to learn too.
So thanks for this, Emily. I hope you're doing well and please keep writing! <3
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